


The ones who go to fight a war

by cariba



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Army, Bad Ending, M/M, War, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25182409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cariba/pseuds/cariba
Summary: "It's supposed to be the other way round. The ones who go to fight a war are the one's supposed to die. Not the ones who stay at home.""...if you go you are no longer my best friend anymore."And Eddie had gone.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz/Bobby Nash, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story is not exactly the same, cheerful, joking vibe of the show. Although I usually don't like it when it isn't the same mood. The story is sad and dark and cold reality even though you might not exactly understand that in the first chapter yet. I try to put in some tiny bits to laugh about but they are extremely rare but otherwise it would not be a 911 fanfiction. 
> 
> I wanted to bring out the unfairness of reality. That sometimes it sucks extremely bad and still there is nothing that could be done. 
> 
> This is not the first fanfiction I wrote buz it's the first one I'm posting on AO3. Let's just see how it goes and where it takes us and I hope you will still like it.

_“No.”_

_Eddie had prepared himself for almost everything. An explosion of anger, accusations of literally any kind, he had even hoped to get some understanding but not in a hundred years had he been prepared for Buck’s stoic, calm, one worded answer._ _  
__“What do you mean ‘No’?” Eddie asked confused. Buck was the person to wear his emotions on his skin. Therefore this wasn’t played - couldn't be played. He was being dead serious._ _  
__“No, you can’t do that. You can’t do this to your 118 family. You can’t do this to_ your son _and you can not do this to me. Because if you do, you are no longer my best friend.”_

An occasional snore was the only sound that was faintly flowing through the sleeping quarters. Most nights it was a calming sound to Eddie - hearing his brothers breath and knowing they were alive, but tonight it didn’t bring him any of the, as always, much needed sleep. Tonight he laid wide awake on his cot, staring at the wooden ceiling while the sound of Buck’s last words to him echoed in his mind just like they did every night. The only difference this time was, that they’d normally haunt his dreams and not his thoughts while he was awake. For which he couldn’t exactly say if he was grateful or not, because if it weren’t Buck’s words haunting him it would either be the image of Christopher waving him goodbye at the airport, gunshots, explosions or all of it together.

Buck had been entirely serious in the locker room at the 118, seven months ago. Two weeks later Eddie had boarded a US-Army plane with destination Iraq. Ever since, there had been zero response from Buck to any of Eddie's attempts for contact. Friends and family had told the soldier that Buckley was doing okay. He was taking care of Christopher sometimes, although not with the same glee as before, and that he was living his life as if Eddie had never existed. Well they didn’t exactly say it like that. Eddie was sure they tried to polish the truth a little, but the essence of their words didn’t go unheard by the soldier. 

He only had one month left of his tour and as much as he wanted to go home, he was dreading what would be waiting there for him. Or rather: What and who wouldn’t be waiting. If Buck…  
The thought was left unfinished. Partly because Eddie couldn’t bare the pain of not having his best friend support his decisions but mainly because the thunderous sound of an explosion could be heard through the barracks way too loud which meant way too close. In a matter of seconds Eddie was in his boots, yelling commands to alert his fellow soldiers and putting on his vest. Through all the commotion in the barrack of the men running into the fight, another explosion sounded through the walls. This time even closer. Eddie grabbed his rifle and was about to run outside when he spotted his battle buddy Torres still peacefully snoring. Eddie sighed. The guy could sleep through two bombs, but constantly complained about the crickets outside being too loud. With the shoulder part of his rifle, Eddie pushed Torres out of his cot where the massive man crashed on to the wooden floor. Hastily the guy tried to gather his still half asleep mind, when he realized what was going on around him. If that hadn’t been enough, Eddie’s prompting stare did the rest and Torres was on his feet, getting ready in record time. 

“Man that was one hell of a gunfight.” Torres sighed as he plopped down on his cot in full gear. “How those bastards came so close to base in the first place will definitely be a question for the future.” Eddie added, the adrenaline slowly fading from his system, making him painfully realized how tired he was from missing out on sleep due to stupid, emotional thoughts.

Two cots over they watched Corporal Welsh finishing up a whispered prayer and Torres looked grinningly at Eddie. "My idea of _'help from above'_ is a sniper on the roof." He said which made Eddie smile. "Or the airstrike that saved your ass today." he teased his friend who in return threw his sweaty shirt at him.

Catching the shirt which was thrown back at him, Torres mentioned "You know, even if I died today, I still wouldn't be gone." Eddie gave him the eye while taking off his own blood stained shirt. Torres continued "You die twice. Once when they bury you in the grave and the second time is the last time that somebody mentions your name." 

If Eddie wasn't still pumped with some Adrenaline this would have evoked a lot more deeper thoughts but now he just snorted. "Where'd you get this? A dead president?" Torres smirked. "Macklemore." And they both laughed.

The childish teases made their way through the barrack, most men joining in. The soldiers all had seen too much pain in this world so the jokes for grown ups helped them relief some of the heavy load they all had to bare on their shoulders and minds. And it was a way to celebrate their most recent win. 

For a few minutes Eddie felt good. Smiling, joking and laughing with the brothers who he knew would always have his back, but his head made a rapid turn to the door when he heard someone yell "Yo, Diaz! Someone's looking for you!" It had been Sergeant Ibeka who stood close to the entrance accompanied by a young private. A weird feeling started to form in Eddie's stomach as he jogged over, the laid-back mood continuing in the background which he zoned out as he reached the Private. "Staff Sergeant Diaz" the kid said while getting in position of attention. "there is an important call for you at central communications." Eddie raised an eyebrow, while the feeling inside him was growing into something he couldn't quite name but slightly concerned the soldier. It was usually him contacting his family and Major Stein, who was in charge of all communications, would not have sent a Private to get him right after a battle if it was just a family call. Eddie had no clue what this could be about. 

He didn't say anything as he motioned the Private to lead the way and he followed en suite. Of course Eddie knew the way to central communications but probably wouldn't have found it himself as his head was more than occupied with trying to figure out who the hell could be calling him about something so important, that they would make the effort to get him rather than having Eddie call the person back.

Once the two of them entered the communications barrack, Private Loos, as Eddie took away from his name tag, lead him to a phone at the very back of the room with an uncomfortable chair. "Just pick up and press 4." The kid said and Eddie nodded thankfully as he was left alone.

The soldier picked up the receiver and held it to his ear. "Diaz?" He said and after a short break he could hear a familiar voice from the other side. For a moment there he had made himself hopes that Buck had come around and finally returned his tries for reconnection. But it was someone else answering him with "Hey, Eddie. It's Bobby." 

The moment Eddie heard the way his Captain was saying those four, plain words, he knew something had happened. His heart started to beat way too fast and cold sweat covered his skin. "Bobby? That's a surprise. What's up?" He could barely manage to say and not without his voice breaking. For a minute or so Eddie only listened to his Captain's trembling breaths. "It's…" He began but his voice was a mixture of sobbing and whispering. "It's Buck."


	2. Chapter 2

_ The wood under his knuckles felt way harder than it was. The office seemed smaller than it actually was and the Colonel's voice sounded further away than it should have as he said "Come in, Diaz."  _

_ Eddie's steps were a lot heavier than they normally were. His movement for the required salute was much slower than usual and his arm felt so. damn. heavy.  _

_ "At ease Staff Sergeant. What brings you here?" The Colonel asked, coming straight to the point like the man always did. Eddie's voice was trembling a lot more than it should have while talking to a Colonel. "I want to request an early end to my tour in order to…" Eddie couldn't bring himself to say it. "To do what, soldier?" The Colonel asked with his booming voice. Eddie swallowed harder than normal. "...to attend my brother's funeral." _

The rumbling sound of the plane getting ready for landing was what woke Eddie up. That's if he had been asleep in the first place. In reality he never closed an eyelid for the entirety of the flight. He couldn't. Even if he had actually tried to. 

Once he had gotten the approval to end his tour early, a stoic cold had overtaken his body. Everything he did, happened kind of mechanically. But while his outside turned to stone, thoughts and regrets, uncertainty and fear were keeping his mind inside worked up. He didn't exactly know how to deal with the situation or what to expect. He knew the facts but those meant nothing. The facts were too impossible. He didn't want the facts. He didn't want them to be true. He just wanted to see Buck. He wanted Buck to tell him that this was all some big, sick joke to get him home early. 

The plane touched down and started taxiing to the gate. Eddie had luckily gotten a spot in the cabin of a cargo plane to Germany first and then from there with civilian planes to New York JFK and to LAX. He had been traveling for almost 30 hours but that was nothing compared to the time he had spent in the field in much more uncomfortable positions than Business class. Last minute military service member upgrade from the airline, just to fill the seats.

Before the people could get off the plane the pilot's voice came on the PA system "Me and my crew hope you enjoyed the flight and wish you a pleasant stay in Los Angeles or safe continued travels. We also want to thank our military personnel for their service and warmly welcome you home." 

The passengers applauded and Eddie strongly hoped the acknowledgement was for the pilot and not him but he was proven wrong as multiple people looked at him, nodding respectfully. 

The crew let Eddie off the plane first and he quickly made his way to get his luggage. Again his body felt like a robot while his mind was picking up pace with all kinds of thoughts. 

Soon enough he got his admittingly small bag and went out to the big hall where he almost immediately spotted Christopher's big grin. No matter the situation, being reunited with his adorable son did put a light smile on Eddie's face. "Dad!" The kid yelled in glee. There were three balloons in red white and blue attached to Christopher's crutches, which were forgotten on the floor the moment Eddie reached his son, picked him up and hugged him tighter than ever before. 

For this small moment the world was okay. Eddie had his son back. He had Christopher. His world was complete. Almost. He was still lacking a best friend. 

"I missed you Dad." Christopher muffeld into the fabric of his father's uniform and Eddie's heart throbbed with love.

Right until he saw his parents' sad smile over Chris' shoulder and reality came crashing down on the returned soldier like a helicopter from the sky. He also noticed his Abuela, Bobby, Hen and Chim with similar facial expressions next to them. But before the pain could overshadow his return, Eddie's mom had already engulfed her son and Grandson in a hug. “Dios me regreso mi hijo” She whispered still tightly hugging her grown up son. “Pero a que costó?” He said silently, his heart cold and frozen.

After Eddie's dad and abuela had taken their turns in hugging the returnee, he set Christopher down again. He was unable to move when he saw the look in Bobby's eyes as he came up to him. That look broke something inside Eddie. That look gave him the reality he never wanted - gave him the facts he tried to deny. It was all true. It wasn't some sick joke to make him come home. Bobby's look said so many things Eddie never wanted to hear. It was the look he never wanted to see in Bobby's eyes. He knew the look. He knew it from the many times he had met the families of fallen friends. 

It was the look of a father who had lost his son and the reality of it broke Eddie entirely.


	3. Chapter 3

_ Bobby's voice through the phone had sounded far away. It had sounded metallic and unreal but it still had frozen Eddie in less than a heartbeat despite 98 degree morning weather in Iraqi desert.  _

_ "It's Buck." His voice sounded heavy and hoarse. It was loaded with pain and it felt as if it was a gun piercing round after round right into a red marked target on Eddie's chest.  _

_ "It… it was a house fire… not even… not even big. We… we were clearing out and… and it collapsed… he… he didn't make it out in time." Bobby's voice broke. He couldn't continue. He couldn't relieve the moments. He couldn't bare the memories. They were too fresh.  _

_ Eddie still hadn't said a word so Bobby forced himself to speak. "We dug him out. It was bad." The images flared up on the inside of Bobby's closed eyes and as hard as he was pressing his lids together, the tears came anyways. "They're… they're keeping him on life support… for now. But… but he won't wake up." Bobby couldn't say "Buck is dead." He feared if he said it out loud it would be more true than it already was.  _

_ Eddie's voice sounded far away. It sounded metallic and unreal as he finally answered. "I'm coming home." _

"Where do you wanna go?" His dad asked once they all sat in the car. "I wanna see him." Eddie answered without taking away his sight from the flimmering highway. His mother raised an eyebrow in the passenger's seat "Are you sure?" Eddie didn't reply. Hell no he wasn't sure. He didn't know anything. Certainly not if he could bare the sight but there was one tiny last straw of hope he needed to destroy before he would be able to accept reality.

So he kept silent the whole ride to the hospital, fighting the urge to tell his dad to just go home. Bobby, Hen and Chim had followed them to the hospital, as this was their destination anyways.

When the car pulled up, Eddie remained seated, just staring at the building. Suddenly Christopher quietly spoke up “Daddy? Are you home because Buck is injured?” Eddie swallowed and turned towards his son. The soldier had expected the question but he honestly had no idea what to say to that, so he chose the truth. “Yes, Buck is very sick and we need to say goodbye.”

Chris’ eyes started to water. “Is he gonna leave us?” Eddie’s mom reached back to put a hand on Christopher’s knee and Eddie knew she was about to say something comforting, a lie to delay the inevitable pain that would come once the kid would understand what had happened. Then it would be too late. Rage filled Eddie. Christopher needed to understand now or he would never forgive his father. The child deserved to grief with everyone else. He deserved to be part of this like he was part of Buck’s life.

“Yes.” said Eddie, before his mom could start her sentence. “Yes, Buck is gonna leave us. And I know it’s sad and it hurts really, really bad to know that this is the last time we’ll see him but Buck is going to a place where he’s gonna feel well again, where he won’t be in any pain and where he will always watch over us. He’s gonna be with your mom.” 

Christopher’s cheeks were wet which let Eddie’s chest ache even more, but he knew he was doing the right thing. “And remember where I told you your mom is.” Christopher pointed to his own chest. “In my heart.” Eddie nodded. “Exactly. And Buck is going there too.” The kid wiped away a tear. “Can he say hi to mom for me?” Eddie smiled painfully. He suddenly realized that not only the kid now understood the unfair truth of the situation but he himself did too. And the firefighter as well as the soldier inside him were ready to face that hurtful reality but the friend in him would never be.

"If you tell him to, I'm sure he will do that for you." Eddie said and once they got out of the car, he picked Christopher up, carrying him inside the hospital to say goodbye to their best friend. 

It was Bobby who lead Eddie and Christopher through the white, sterile, smelling hallways. Hen and Chim followed them while Eddie’s family waited outside. None of them said a word, their own thoughts heavily weighing them down.

Eddie felt sick. He feared to throw up with every step he got closer to Buck. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, what to expect once they would… And there he was.   
Eddie froze at the sight. He hadn’t been prepared for this. He'd seen a lot. In Afghanistan, in Iraq in LA. He'd seen the cruelest of things but none of those could have prepared him for this. 

Buck was laying there. In a hospital bed, with the room full of machines, each of them connected to some part of his body. The white sheets made him look even paler. A tube came out of his arm. The machine was cleaning his blood for him. A tube came out of his nose. The machine was feeding him. A tube came out of his mouth. The machine was breathing for him. Cables came from his chest. The machine was his beating heart. It looked like the machines were taking away Buck's right to live. It looked inhumane. But without the machines he was dead.

Hen took Christopher from Eddie’s arms and Bobby laid his hand on the younger firefighter’s shoulder, while neither of them took away their eyes from the scenery before them. “Take the time you need.” Bobby said but Eddie didn’t react. The emotional chaos that had been raging inside him for the past week since Bobby’s call was suddenly gone. He felt emptiness. And even though he was right there, Buck was  _ right there _ , he felt so far away. As if this wasn’t the guy who would always have his back, no matter how risky and stupid the thing was they were about to do. As if this wasn’t the person he would tell absolutely everything to because he needed a shoulder to lean on. As if this wasn’t his Buck. As if this wasn’t his best friend. 

_ “...if you go, you are not my best friend anymore.”  _

And Eddie had gone.


	4. Chapter 4

_ "It was my fault. I was selfish and there is nothing I could say or do to excuse my mistakes." He started after thirty minutes of silence. I couldn't count so to be honest I didn't know how long he had been there, silent, but the moment he had walked in I knew it was him. I just knew. _

_ "You told me not to and I left anyways. You were right to abandon me like I did you." No, no, no Eddie! Cut the crap! I was wrong! I should have been with you all the way through! I should have supported your decisions like you always supported mine no matter how risky or stupid! I should have been there for you! _

_ His voice broke to sobs. "It was supposed to be the other way around. The one who leaves to fight a war is the one supposed to die. Not the one who stays home." Please, Eddie! I was angry and hurt that you would go fight a war that is not yours to fight anymore but I was wrong! You are a soldier, it has always been your fight! I was wrong to condemn you for who you are…  _

_ "I don't know what to do or how to move on but I hope you are happy now." His voice sounded broken and regretful. He started to leave the room. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, how selfish, how wrong. I wanted to fix this! _

_ "I might not be your best friend anymore Buck, but you are mine. I love you." He said before he was gone, leaving me broken once again. Eddie, you never stopped being my best friend! But no matter what I tried to tell him, it was all left unheard, because I was dead. _

As a soldier and firefighter he'd carried a lot of heavy things in his life. He'd carried a lot of heavy caskets before, but none of them had seemed to slow his steps, to weigh him down, as much as this one did. It was as if the casket was filled with his sorrow, his regrets and his loss, making it heavier than it already was. Even though he was clearly not carrying the weight alone, he was undoubtedly the one with the heaviest load.

Next to Eddie, just on the other side of the casket, walked Bobby with a tear stained but stoic face. He hadn't been ready to lose the kid he came to love as a son. He'd always thought he'd be first. He'd  _ wanted _ himself to be first.

In his pain, Bobby was about to blame Eddie. For leaving Buck in devastation, making the hot-headed kid even less cautious - blaming him for making Buck careless. Because if he hadn't been alone in the building, if Eddie had been there, Buck might still be alive today.

Staring with burning but dry eyes at Bobby's neck was Chim. He hadn't yet allowed himself to feel anything. He needed to be there for Maddie first. She was a mess, walking with Christopher behind the casket. Chim had only left her side when she'd specifically asked him to give her some space which he had reluctantly done. He saw how hurt she was, losing her brother and he didn't want her to feel like she was alone now. That's the excuse he told himself but to be fully honest: Chim just wasn't ready yet to accept that the kid was gone, or _how much_ _it hurt_ s that the kid was gone. 

Behind Eddie to the right side of the casket was Hen. It was the silence that felt unreal to her - the air not being filled with banter and jokes. Admittingly the kid had gotten a lot more reserved after Eddie had left but Hen took it as her personal duty to make him smile once in a while and exchange meaningless childish teases, because she saw how it eased the hurt in Buck. He'd become something like a brother to her and it made her sad to see him in pain. But now it was the deafening silence, the absence of Bucks laugh, what hit her the most. She could see how much Eddie and Bobby were suffering so she had tried to be a supporting constant for them but right now in this moment as they were all carrying their colleague, friend, brother and son out of the church, in a casket covered with the American flag, while to the right and left firefighters were saluting the fallen member of the LAFD, Hen didn't know if any of their family would ever be able to move on.

Maddie had asked him to say a few words. And Eddie had spent the last couple days crushing his head, coming up with something. Now as he stepped in front of the funeral party he was shivering with a tied up tongue and a small piece of paper with notes which were so messy, he couldn't read them anyway.

Eddie nervously cleared his throat before he started, his voice sounding plain and empty. "Evan Oliver Buckley..." God, that sounded weird. "...was an amazing person, an… an even better firefighter…" stuttered, meaningless platitudes. "...and he was my…" Eddie couldn't say it. Not in past tense. He inhaled, trying to force the words. "Evan was my…" No, that sounded just so… wrong. 

Eddie closed his eyes and exhaled. He was a soldier for Christ's sake. He'd killed people. Then why was giving a God damn speech so _fucking hard_?

"Because you are the one that's still alive." A voice inside his head said. Painful truth hit Eddie in exactly this moment. Looking at the casket with the flag, there was only one thing that he could think of. 

_ I was supposed to die in that war. _

_ They're supposed to bury me. _

_ This is supposed to be my funeral. _

And Eddie suddenly understood why Buck had reacted the way he'd reacted. Because Buck didn't want to stand here in Eddie's place. Buck couldn't bare the thought of his best friend not coming home so to protect himself from the pain that this position would have caused him, he'd distanced himself. And being in this position now himself Eddie realized how right Buck had been. This position was the most painful place he'd ever been. 

But the pain was what gave him strength as it always had, since the day he became a firefighter. Eddie inhaled again, crumbled the piece of paper to a ball and looked at the funeral party.

"Buck is my best friend. I am not gonna talk about him in past tense today because my son…" he quickly glanced at Christopher who stood snuggled up in Maddie's arms, comforting each other. "...my son reminded me that he is never gone if I carry him in my heart." Christopher smiled at him which filled Eddie with warmth. "A buddy of mine told me once after a battle: You die twice. The first time is when they bury you but the second time is the last time somebody mentions your name. Therefore Buck will live on forever because none of us could ever forget him." Eddie's voice steadied itself. He knew what he was saying was right. "I believe that everyone that is here today will remember Buck as the caring, cheerful and loving person that he is. And it's true. He cares about the lives of others like no one else but at the same time Buck is just as vulnerable and exposed." Eddie swallowed at the next part. "The one and only time that he actually cared about his own safety I mistook it with…" He didn't exactly know what to call it. "...I mistook it with bad intent. But I came to realize that when you only care about others like Buck does, you often forget yourself and it's on the people you love to remind you that it's okay for once in a while to care about yourself first." The soldier took a few deep breaths and looked at the casket, hovering over the hole in the ground and tears started to flow. "I'm here to say that I forgive you, Buck. I understand now that you were protecting yourself and I want to tell you that it's okay to care for yourself sometimes. Because that's exactly what makes a great person - that is what makes Evan Oliver Buckley  _ Buck." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: Yes, the flashback in the beginning is from Buck's POV but as he is dead, Eddie can't hear anything he wants to say or thinks. It's set as he is in the hospital, and Eddie sits next to him but I wanted to leave the bigger part of this for your imagination.


	5. Chapter 5

_ "I don't wanna be angry at him anymore." He said as he tossed the towel at the stack of wet plates, clearly in anger. His stare didn't help anything either: the towel wouldn't dry the plates by itself. _

_ "So don't be and tell him that." Bobby answered with his calm and reasonable voice, while rinsing off a spatula, adding it to the stack that Buck was supposed to dry off.  _

_ "But… he left." The kid whispered, his eyes closed while he tried to keep it together. He couldn't exactly decipher if he was angry, sad or hurt but best guess was all of it. Bobby sighed and turned off the faucet, then dried his hands with the towel Buck wanted to magically do the work for him. The older man went to grab two glasses and a bottle of root beer for them and poured it. Dry alcoholic. Buck was used to it, even though he felt like he coupd use a glass of whiskey right now. _

_ "You know, he didn't abandon you.  _ He _ never wanted anything to happen to the friendship that you two have." Bobby then said. "Had." Corrected Buck silently. _

_ "But how could he leave me then?" Buck's voice had risen with the sentence, his anger still shining through. Good thing the kids were at Michael's and Athena was out with Hen. _

_Bobby took a sip from the root beer. "That's not on him. Yes, he left, but you are the one creating the distance by keeping the radio silent. He left LA but he never left_ you _." Buck's look was made of stone before he snapped "What if he dies over there? What if he's gone for good? Bobby, I can't do this job without him forever!"_

_ Bobby kept quiet for a moment. He had been talking to Eddie and knew that the soldier was honestly hurt by what Buck had done and he wasn't entirely sure if he would forgive Buck once he was back, even though a tiny bit of the mess was still Diaz' fault. _

_ "Eddie is a soldier. He did what he was born to do. Fight for the lives he cares about. Including yours."  _

_Buck sighed. "What about his own life? What if_ I _care about_ him _?" The younger firefighter pressed out. His voice now shaking. "When I told him he wasn't my best friend anymore, I was scared. I was scared that if he died I would be too close, that it would hurt so much I'd die with him." Bobby didn't reply to that. He knew Buck wasn't done yet._

_ Buck deeply inhaled "But no matter how hard I tried not to think of him, to distance myself, I failed. I... I might even feel more for him than friendship and… and if he died… I'd still die with him." The last few words were just a whisper which Bobby had a hard time hearing. The older man still smiled nevertheless. "You just answered your own questions Buck. I think you know what you gotta do." _

_ The kid nodded slowly. "You're right. I'm gonna call him tomorrow after shift and make this right." _

A hand covered with a white, cotton glove laid on his shoulder from behind. He didn't twitch, he knew it was Bobby, so his eyes didn't dart away from the stone before them. 

_ Evan Oliver "Buck" Buckley _

_ *06.27.1991 †11.15.2020 _

_ ~ _

_ Some heroes don't wear capes. Some heroes are silent. Some heroes go unnoticed. But they're never less a hero. _

_ ~ _

_ LAFD fallen on duty _

Bobby took his own hand off the younger firefighter's shoulder to grab Eddie's hand and place it on top of the gravestone. Eddie squirmed. Something was engraved there very small. The men took away their hands so that Eddie could read the quotation:

_ "Cap, can we get capes on the uniforms?" _

Eddie smiled sadly. "He would have liked that." Bobby smiled too and nodded. "Yeah. That is so much like him."

Both were quiet for a while. None of them knew what to say. And to be honest there really wasn't anything one of them could say until Eddie broke the silence.

"The only thing I don't understand yet is why he was so mad at me." Bobby sighed, not taking away his eyes from the fresh grave. 

"He wasn't mad at you for leaving. He was mad at you for taking the risk of getting killed." Bobby then said. They both had the same thought and internally snorted a little because with Buck and Eddie being firefighters, this sounded honestly ridiculous. There was always the risk of getting killed and still it was true.

"Remember the call with the kid stuck in the well?" Bobby asked but Eddie didn't reply. How could he forget? "When Buck realized you were down there, he started to dig in the mud with his bare hands."

Eddie looked at his Captain in disbelief. He hadn't known but now the image of it pierced another bullet into his heart. 

Bobby's blame for Eddie started to fade as he had more brain capacity to really think this through. "He hated the idea of you doing the risky stuff, so he did it himself." It hadn't been Eddie leaving that made Buck reckless, it was just more noticeable once he did the risky things alone. 

"I could have had his back like always. If I had been with him, he might be alive." Eddie admitted, the tears slowly coming back. 

Bobby heard the voice of rationality in his head and shook it. "No. If you had been there this unit would have to mourn two of their friends." The older man swallowed hard. He didn't want to admit it but it was the cold reality that hit him with all it's force as the firefighter looked at the grave of  _ his son. _ It was a truth he couldn't deny any longer, as much as it was hurting him. "This building was destined to collapse long before any of us went in there. There is no guilt with either Buck or you or anyone else." 

The men kept silent again for a while, just hanging after their own thoughts. For Eddie it was what was gonna happen next. Would they all go back to work, get a new guy, filling in Buck's place and pretend like they're fine with that? Probably not because Eddie knew that at least he wouldn't be fine with it. There was one more thing he knew. His friends needed him now. He was not the only one grieving. Bobby had lost a son. Maddie had lost a brother. Christopher had lost his role model. Hen and Chim had lost a friend and Eddie… Eddie had lost his best friend who he had come to love as a brother and maybe… maybe even more than that. But that was a question he might never get an answer to.

Bobby was thinking about how long it was gonna take all of them to work through the trauma. He had found himself, the night after they'd turned off life support, in front of a glass of whiskey. He'd broken down in sobs and when Athena had found him she'd poured the untouched glass down the drain without a word and had hugged Bobby until there had been no tears left to cry.

He also thought about the conversation he'd had with Buck the day before the accident. "You know, Buck wanted to call you that day." He said quietly and could immediately feel Eddie stiffening next to him, nevertheless the Captain continued. "We had talked the night before and he admitted to me that he didn't want to be mad at you anymore. He knew he had to fix this between him and you so he wanted to call you after shift." Bobby had considered telling the soldier about it earlier but he hadn't been sure the younger firefighter was ready for it yet. After his speech today Bobby was sure.

Eddie swallowed. "But there was no after shift. He never got to it." He whispered and Bobby nodded slowly.

Once again silence fell over the two of them and if they weren't proud, grown up men they would have admitted that each of them honestly appreciated the presence of the other. Two people with equal loss - it made them feel less alone with their grief. 

"Thank you, Bobby. Thank you for everything you have done for Buck and me." Eddie said without looking at his Captain. If he had, he would have noticed the warmth spreading inside the older firefighter for the first time in weeks. "Always, kid. Always." He replied with a smile.

And suddenly Eddie felt like they could be all right again someday. Probably not today - they'd lost Buck after all and this situation was messed up and unfair but someday…

Eddie smiled sadly at the thought. He took off the white glove that belonged to the firefighter dress uniform and put his hand on the cold, rough gravestone again. "Goodbye Buck. I love you." He said, then turned around and walked away with Bobby.

And if Buck had been alive, Eddie would have heard him say  _ "I love you too brother." _


End file.
